Archive for December 19, 2011

Well, At Least It Won’t Be Another Gaga Cover…

December 26, 2011 / Beci / No comments

Adele – the singer who makes you want to rock up at your ex’s house under the influence of pain and gin, playing “Someone Like You” on repeat until you throw up (or get arrested) – will reportedly cover the March 2012 / Spring / Power Issue of American Vogue. Fashmagslags WWD also claim that the singer will wear specially-made plus size clothes in the shoot – SERIOUSLY?!

Since when was Adele SO FAT AS FUCK that she couldn’t fit into clothes which are a size 14+?! SPECIALLY MADE?! Next they’ll be claiming that Anna Wintour will also feature on the cover, wearing a “tsk tsk tsk” look on her face while perching on an inflatable cheeseburger.

There’s nothing wrong with embracing a bit of the chunk FFS! and Adele’s hardly wrestling small ponies to the ground for breakfast is she? So let’s just hope this story is as crap as the recycled plastic jugs used to make Meg Ryan’s face. Besides, Anna may raise her snooty smug schnozz and get shivers when she sees a fat stomach - but it’s nothing compared to the shivers we get when she smiles. That smile says the death eater is coming to get you, and when she’s finished sucking the blood from your veins – she’ll shave your hair off and use it to make more bobs to cover her bald head.

Let’s just hope poor Adele doesn’t end up like Jennifer Hudson on the cover of US Vogue in 2007 (below). Anna must’ve really hated her. Just look at that big ole open mouth? It’s like she’s saying “I’m ready for my double hot dog with cheese Mr DeMille“. Not hot. Not hot at all.

Category: Style & Vile /

Listen To This…OR…Poke Two Hot Curling Irons In Your Ears?

December 26, 2011 / Sam / No comments

Mark this video you’re about to see in your KARlendars as the first time the biggest famewhore in famewhore history – Pimp Mama of the Year, Kris Jenner – decided to put her melted face in front of the cameras. That’s her old face before her old face before that face btw, pre-getting her nose rotated and re-rotated and having that permanently frozen look.

Because rolling your eyeballs back into your head never gets old, this is Kris in a music video she made to celebrate her 30th birthday all those year ago and more. We don’t know about you, but on your 30th you should fall into a sweet nectar-induced coma on a hairy stranger’s bed, then wake up the next morning with a red raw glitter hole and the stench of regret that you made yourself available for just 3 easy payments of LOL and a blow job. AGAIN.

If you hate your ears, press play below, and witness a song which should SO become a new ringtone – that’s if you want to see everyone run for cover when your mobile goes off. Instead of getting her face lifted, Kris should’ve asked for her brain to be lifted out of her arsehole and went for singing lessons.

Category: W is for WTF?! /

Christmas Leftovers Anyone?

December 26, 2011 / Sam / No comments

Boxing Day wouldn’t be Boxing Day without our eyes reuniting with a leftover heap of Simon Cowell‘s succulent nipple-pies wrapped in chest fluff and a lifejacket. Somebody better put a towel under Russell Grant‘s booster seat, because this pic will start a flood.

Russell may like exfoliating his many folds of skin while motorboating a hairy blokes’ loofah titties. But it’s a no from us Simon.

Category: We'll be the judge of that /

Four Words: Lap Dance Father Christmas

December 21, 2011 / ollie / No comments

If a trip to Santa’s Grotto included a lap dance by a scantily clad Mrs Claus in a wonky weave, then Dad’s would totally reserve a place in the queue every single day!

Our nightmares before Christmas have pointed us to this video (below) of someone called Courtney Stodden and her husband dry-humping outdoors in the name of BIG BAUBLES!! (for around a 4 or 5-figure sum). And if these two fameHoHoHo’s weren’t enough to make your eyeballs roll till they bleed, they will also force your ear holes to gargle themselves out with an amoxicillin rinse after you listen to Stodden saying she wants a “spanking” for Christmas, to which Mr Claus replies: “You can slide down Santa’s chimney any time you like, young lady”.

Seriously? Are these two arse lubes for real?!

This video is like accidentally finding your flatmate’s soft core shit from the early 90s (while rummaging under his bed for pants to sniff) – the one he labelled ‘Xmas with the big pussied whore’.

Category: The Awful Truth /

When Eyebrows Meet…

December 21, 2011 / ollie / No comments

Marc Jacobs could care less about his ex-Lorenzo Martone, because now he’s dick-hugging with a Brazilian porn star called Harry Louis, who tweeted this loved-up picture (above) saying: “What a great weekend thanks to the sweetest guy on earth, Marc Jacobs, see you soon in Paris baby.”

In case you’re wondering, they’re planning a trip to gay Pareeee to spend the weekend shampooing, deep conditioning, blow drying and brushing their magnificent eyebrows together.

What’s that you say Dorothy? “This means they’ll be wearing matching speedo tuxedos when they get hitched“? Oh you’re SO right. Bless ‘em.

Category: Hot Sluts /

A Seasonal Message From The Over-Exposed

December 21, 2011 / Sam / No comments

More mannequin factory hell, this time with bow ties, from the family that enjoys throwing bitch-pout at the camera during the season when they should be jolly.

We’re assuming this mess of photoshop (who the fuck stole Khloe‘s ham hock thighs and replaced them with cardboard cut-out legs?!) also came with a message inside that read, ‘Pretension, thy name is Kardashian. Happy PimpMamaKrisMas‘.

Category: W is for WTF?! / Tags: , ,

32nd London Critics’ Circle Film Awards Noms Announced

December 20, 2011 / adam / No comments

The 32nd annual London Critics’ Circle Film Awards noms list, voted for by over 120 UK film critics, broadcasters and writers, has been released.

This year’s awards are led by Brit flick, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy - Tomas Alfredson‘s adaptation of the Cold War spy thriller – with two acting nominations for Gary Oldman (Actor of the Year and British Actor of the Year), along with British Film of the Year, Screenwriter of the Year, and The Sky 3D Award for Technical Achievement.

Drive, starring Ryan Gosling and his scorpion jacket - directed by Nicolas Winding Refn, is nominated for Director of the Year, Supporting Actor of the Year, Actor of the Year (and jacket of the year), The Moët & Chandon Award for British Actress of the Year (for Carey Mulligan) and The Sky 3D Award for Technical Achievement.

Lynne Ramsay’s We Need To Talk About Kevin nabbed five noms, while The Artist and Steve McQueen’s Shame have each received four, including Actor of the Year for Michael Fassbender.

The London Critics’ Circle Film Awards, in partnership with Virgin Atlantic, will take place on Thursday 19 January at BFI Southbank. The full list of award noms are below:

FILM OF THE YEAR

The Artist (Entertainment)

Drive (Icon)

A Separation (Artificial Eye)

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (StudioCanal)

The Tree of Life (Fox)

The Attenborough Award: BRITISH FILM OF THE YEAR

The Guard (StudioCanal)

Kill List (StudioCanal)

Shame (Momentum)

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (StudioCanal)

We Need to Talk About Kevin (Artificial Eye)

FOREIGN-LANGUAGE FILM OF THE YEAR

Mysteries of Lisbon (New Wave)

Poetry (ICO/Arrow)

Le Quattro Volte (New Wave)

A Separation (Artificial Eye)

The Skin I Live In (Fox/Pathé)

DOCUMENTARY OF THE YEAR

Cave of Forgotten Dreams (Picturehouse)

Dreams of a Life (Dogwoof)

Pina (Artificial Eye)

Project Nim (Icon)

Senna (Universal)

DIRECTOR OF THE YEAR

Asghar Farhadi – A Separation (Artificial Eye)

Michel Hazanavicius – The Artist (Entertainment)

Terrence Malick – The Tree of Life (Fox)

Lynne Ramsay – We Need to Talk About Kevin (Artificial Eye)

Nicolas Winding Refn – Drive (Icon)

SCREENWRITER OF THE YEAR

Asghar Farhadi – A Separation (Artificial Eye)

Michel Hazanavicius – The Artist (Entertainment)

Kenneth Lonergan – Margaret (Fox)

Bridget O’Connor & Peter Straughan – Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (StudioCanal)

Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon & Jim Rash – The Descendants (Fox)

The Virgin Atlantic Award: BREAKTHROUGH BRITISH FILM-MAKER

Richard Ayoade – Submarine (StudioCanal)

Paddy Considine – Tyrannosaur (StudioCanal)

Joe Cornish – Attack the Block (StudioCanal)

Andrew Haigh – Weekend (Peccadillo)

John Michael McDonagh – The Guard (StudioCanal)

ACTOR OF THE YEAR

George Clooney – The Descendants (Fox)

Jean Dujardin – The Artist (Entertainment)

Michael Fassbender – Shame (Momentum)

Ryan Gosling – Drive (Icon)

Gary Oldman – Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (StudioCanal)

ACTRESS OF THE YEAR

Kirsten Dunst – Melancholia (Artificial Eye)

Anna Paquin – Margaret (Fox)

Meryl Streep – The Iron Lady (Fox/Pathé)

Tilda Swinton – We Need to Talk About Kevin (Artificial Eye)

Michelle Williams – My Week With Marilyn (Entertainment)

SUPPORTING ACTOR OF THE YEAR

Simon Russell Beale – The Deep Blue Sea (Artificial Eye)

Kenneth Branagh – My Week With Marilyn (Entertainment)

Albert Brooks – Drive (Icon)

Christopher Plummer – Beginners (Universal)

Michael Smiley – Kill List (StudioCanal)

SUPPORTING ACTRESS OF THE YEAR

Sareh Bayat – A Separation (Artificial Eye)

Jessica Chastain – The Help (Disney)

Vanessa Redgrave – Coriolanus (Lionsgate)

Octavia Spencer – The Help (Disney)

Jacki Weaver – Animal Kingdom (StudioCanal)

BRITISH ACTOR OF THE YEAR

Tom Cullen – Weekend (Peccadillo)

Michael Fassbender – A Dangerous Method (Lionsgate), Shame (Momentum)

Brendan Gleeson – The Guard (StudioCanal)

Peter Mullan – Tyrannosaur (StudioCanal), War Horse (Disney)

Gary Oldman – Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (StudioCanal)

The Moët & Chandon Award: BRITISH ACTRESS OF THE YEAR

Olivia Colman – The Iron Lady (Fox/Pathé), Tyrannosaur (StudioCanal)

Carey Mulligan – Drive (Icon), Shame (Momentum)

Vanessa Redgrave – Anonymous (Sony), Coriolanus (Lionsgate)

Tilda Swinton – We Need to Talk About Kevin (Artificial Eye)

Rachel Weisz – The Deep Blue Sea (Artificial Eye)

YOUNG BRITISH PERFORMER OF THE YEAR

John Boyega – Attack the Block (StudioCanal)

Jeremy Irvine – War Horse (Disney)

Yasmin Paige – Submarine (StudioCanal)

Craig Roberts – Submarine (StudioCanal)

Saoirse Ronan – Hanna (Universal)

The Sky 3D Award: TECHNICAL ACHIEVEMENT

Manuel Alberto Claro, cinematography – Melancholia (Artificial Eye)

Paul Davies, sound design – We Need to Talk About Kevin (Artificial Eye)

Maria Djurkovic, production design – Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (StudioCanal)

Dante Ferretti, production design – Hugo (Entertainment)

Alberto Iglesias, original score – The Skin I Live In (Fox/Pathé)

Chris King & Gregers Sall, editing – Senna (Universal)

Joe Letteri, visual effects – Rise of the Planet of the Apes (Fox)

Cliff Martinez, original score – Drive (Icon)

Robert Richardson, cinematography – Hugo (Entertainment)

Robbie Ryan, cinematography – Wuthering Heights (Artificial Eye)

The Dilys Powell Award for Excellence in Film

Nicolas Roeg

Category: Film Stuff /

Stop! Dolly Time!

December 19, 2011 / Beci / No comments

This picture of Dolly P gifting us her natural talent and sheer beauty at the H1 Divas Celebrates Soul in New York last night, just proves that dignity is overrated. Take that Helen Mirren!!

Who needs old-lady dignity when you can dress like you just survived a head-on collision with a box of Elvira‘s Christmas decorations and a flock of gay crows who just stole Snookitina‘s weave.

GO DOLLY GO!

Category: Hmm & Things / Tags: , ,

Official Announcement Trailer & Poster For Jack The Giant Killer

December 19, 2011 / adam / No comments

 

The official ‘Announcement’ trailer and poster for epic 3D adventure, Jack the Giant Killer have been released.

The latest version of the classic tale – directed by X-Men and Usual Suspects director Bryan Singer - stars Nicholas Hoult as the young farmhand who unwittingly opens the gateway between our world and a fearsome land of giants, unleashing them on the Earth for the first time in centuries. As they strive to reclaim the land they once lost, he must battle to stop them, fight for his kingdom and become a legend in his own right. Throw in an obligatory princess who falls for him (Eleanor Tomlinson), her grumpy father (Ian McShane) and Ewan McGregor as the giant-slaying leader of the king’s guard – and you’ve got yourself an all-action adventure!

Jack the Giant Killer also stars Stanley Tucci, Bill Nighy and Eddie Marsan and opens in 3D across UK cinemas on 15th June, 2012.

For more info go to the official Facebook page HERE.

Category: Film Stuff / Tags: , , , , , ,

Even Pats & Eddie Don’t Like The Kardashians!

December 19, 2011 / Beci / No comments

In a clip from the upcoming Xmas special, Pats and Ed‘s unleash their inner bitches on those cheque cashing vagina stunt queens known as the Kardashians when Saffy asks, “Who are these people?”

Eddie replies: “They’re just no names, nobodies, sweetheart…”

Pats adds: “Like Herpes, each with it’s own reality show. They’re multiplying like head lice.”

Watch our favourite coke-orgy and bolli-heads trash those fraudulent heffa’s who can’t do anything without stage directions and a script below, or after the jump as they say (what jump FFS, you just press play innit?)….

Category: The Awful Truth / Tags: , ,
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