Archive for Style & Vile

Well, At Least It Won’t Be Another Gaga Cover…

Adele – the singer who makes you want to rock up at your ex’s house under the influence of pain and gin, playing “Someone Like You” on repeat until you throw up (or get arrested) – will reportedly cover the March 2012 / Spring / Power Issue of American Vogue. Fashmagslags WWD also claim that the singer will wear specially-made plus size clothes in the shoot – SERIOUSLY?!

Since when was Adele SO FAT AS FUCK that she couldn’t fit into clothes which are a size 14+?! SPECIALLY MADE?! Next they’ll be claiming that Anna Wintour will also feature on the cover, wearing a “tsk tsk tsk” look on her face while perching on an inflatable cheeseburger.

There’s nothing wrong with embracing a bit of the chunk FFS! and Adele’s hardly wrestling small ponies to the ground for breakfast is she? So let’s just hope this story is as crap as the recycled plastic jugs used to make Meg Ryan’s face. Besides, Anna may raise her snooty smug schnozz and get shivers when she sees a fat stomach - but it’s nothing compared to the shivers we get when she smiles. That smile says the death eater is coming to get you, and when she’s finished sucking the blood from your veins – she’ll shave your hair off and use it to make more bobs to cover her bald head.

Let’s just hope poor Adele doesn’t end up like Jennifer Hudson on the cover of US Vogue in 2007 (below). Anna must’ve really hated her. Just look at that big ole open mouth? It’s like she’s saying “I’m ready for my double hot dog with cheese Mr DeMille“. Not hot. Not hot at all.

Oh and Dear Noomi Rapace

There’s nothing quite like wearing a dress that looks like a cross between the fabric off a chair in a hotel lobby and the wrapper off a mint humbug on the red carpet.

This Image Will Terrorise You Forever!

First there were slankets and footless onesie’s for adults, aka all-in-one things for people who just don’t give a fuck about peeing themselves anymore. Now we have the ‘Wonder Woman’ throw/blanket (there’s a Batman AND Superman one too), which is basically a fleece-covered colostomy bag with the print of a comic character’s body on it, that doubles as a muff for warming your hands and/or a wank blanket.

Unlike the slanket and onesie though, this throw doesn’t promote laziness, it actually promotes burning calories! We’re practically out of breath just thinking about all the Twitpics you could take posing as Wonder Woman while not actually moving from the sofa! Unlike WW though, you won’t have to soak your vagina in yogurt to treat a permanent case of the yeasties after wearing pussy-suffocating spandex briefs for too long. With this throw, you can just ‘let your flaps go!”

The “Being Wonderous” throw (no really, that’s what it’s called on Amazon) comes with two customer reviews, our favourite being:

This item was a huge hit!!! The friend I got it for couldn’t stop laughing!! It make a great gift for someone who likes to look snazzy while on the couch“.

OR, to put it another way, “It would make a great gift for someone who likes to look one braincell short of a braincell while on the couch“.

How NOT To Wear Winter

When I first saw this picture of the hydrangea hater in full-on Winter dress mode, I barf burped. But that’s probably because I’m hungover, and poor fashion choices never look good when you have the post-drunk ills. That’s not to say I would enjoy this picture of the woman who can kill kittens with her bitch-stare if I weren’t hungover. Let’s be honest, this outfit is wrong on so many levels, I almost feel like writing to Madge and asking what made her get out of bed, open her wardrobe and dress like a homeless person meets a dayshift hooker who forgot to pack her PVC skirt meets an eccentric divorcee who lays in bed and calls out to Edie (one of her 30 cats), to answer the door to the pizza delivery boy?

Former Wag, But Still Whory

Not only does Lizzi Cundy look like a Bratz doll, the one dressed like she works the streets in nothing but a thong and thigh-high boots - but she also looks like she sleeps hanging upside down because she can no longer enjoy the simple pleasures of a gentle dick slap to the forehead. TOO MUCH BOTOX!

On a lighter note, whatever her eyebrow game is, we should bow down in respect. The finished result is something to marvel at, especially the way the vein in the middle of her forehead connects with the left one. STUNNING.

Jessie Fug

Jessie J in an outfit that’s as frazzled as our nerves whenever she appears on stage and our automatic eye roll starts to kick in. How many times do we need to say this? She needs to take the emergency exit and find a stylist who doesn’t hate her.

The only saving grace about this latest catsuit costume foolery, is that her labia lips aren’t trying to suck us in for once.

Uma Thurman Pitches A Tent On The Red Carpet

If you liked Uma Thurman‘s dress for the LACMA Inaugural Art & Film Gala in LA on Saturday night, you can probably find it in the “tent and outdoor shelters section” of your local camping supplies shop (aka Millets).

Check out that look on her face that says, “Yeah, I got THIS.” No Uma, you SO haven’t.

Naomi Campbell As Simon Le Bon…Surely Some Mistake Here?

Naomi Campbell pays homage to Duran Duran frontman Simon Le Bon, by dressing like something a 3* star hotel reception in Bayswater spat out, in a new shoot for Harper’s Bazaar (below).

Surely if the stylist wanted to capture the REAL ESSENCE of Simon (bloat and hog nipples), they should’ve gone for a pose more like this…


What In The GD Kind Of Look Is This?

Whoever told Jared Leto he looked good in red and needed to use all the brushes in his dressing table draw to get that look……SHOULD BE PUNCHED. HARD.


Suri Has Some Serious Competition

You know, I was this close to dressing as Suri for Halloween, but I get cold in the bones easily and don’t want to run around without a coat on. And then I saw this fancy little bitch…

Katherine Heigl‘s daughter Naleigh has totally got the Princess Halloween Ho whose face-painter obviously had a heart attack mid-way through, covered.

With all due respect to Naleigh though, fuck her howevermuchitcost Toddlers & Tiaras dress. It will never compete with the bumble bee costume my Mum made for me in junior school. Yes, the wings were wonkier than Kirsten Stewart‘s eye and it was so short that I’m pretty sure I gifted everyone my baby moose knuckle – but I still won a mutli-pack of Marathons (before they became Snickers), when I took 2nd place in the Class Halloween Costume Contest.