Archive for Hmm & Things

We Give You…Frozen Genitals & Stray Pubic Hairs

On Sunday afternoon in NYC, thousands of attention-seeking ho’s (and the odd sex pest) channelled Lady BlahBlah by walking around in public sans trousers/skirts/hulahoops. That’s because they were taking part in Improv Everywhere’s 11th No Pants Subway Ride.

The annual event aims to cause ”scenes of chaos and joy in public places.” Aww, nothing warms the heart like a stranger’s pubic hair jumping into your lap as they cross their legs. Or the waft of frozen tuna.

If the event was sponsored by Aussie Bum and featured hot man-pieces with bulges that could knock a small child (or dwarf person) off their feet; then we’d be interested. As tis, it’s just another excuse for public fapping. We’d much rather someone started a ‘Tits ‘n Tourettes’ movement every year where it’s perfectly acceptable to get on to the tube and just shout TITS! whenever the mood takes you. TITS!!!

“So Like, You’ve Never Been With a Girl?!!!!!!”

They Should’ve Charged Anthony Worrall Thompson’s Klepto Ass!

In this week’s edition of Tales from the Toilet, chef Anthony Worrall Thompson has farted out some psycho babble to excuse his recent thieving adventure, which involved forgetting to scan a sandwich, three onions and a newspaper at the self-service checkout. He says it’s because he’s been under “incredible stress” recently. We say it’s because he’s a tight-fisted fat arse who couldn’t be bothered to pay and thought he could get away with it. Don’t bring the “I’ve had massive trauma in my life” to the table now Anthony, we’ve all seen your pampered smug-face on Ready Steady Cunt!

The 60-year-old chef revealed to The Daily Express that he had taken small value items from a Tesco store in Henley-on-Thames, Oxfordshire, five times over the course of 16 days.

Why did I do it? I’ve been asking myself that same question since Friday. I’ve been racking my brains to think why on earth did I do it and what was going through my mind at the time, but I just don’t know.

There is absolutely no reason, I’m totally at a loss, totally embarrassed, apologetic and gutted for my family and friends.”

Uh huh and BOLLOCKS!!

The man who ate all the pies has simply worked out how to beat those store bitches (aka fun killers) at self-scanning checkouts by using all the tips he learnt from the two glamorous burglars he caught trying to steal £500 worth of Ronnie Corbett’s lawn ornaments. They all live in Henley-Upon-Hasbeens innit.

We say send him on a shoplifters anonymous course, which consists of watching the 90210 episode that tackles Kelly Taylor’s klepto habit. Followed by CCTV footage of Judy Finnigan losing it after her ID was refused to buy economy-sized bottles of gin at Costco; while across town, Richard was nicked for smuggling Champers bottles under his coat at Tesco’s. The moral of their story is, Richard should’ve never trusted a woman who keeps a stolen shopping trolley in her garden.

And in the interest of public service announcements about right and wrong etc, we think it’s important to point out that any good thief worth his swagbag knows the way out of arrest is to break into a routine of “I Touch Myself“, and then sniff his fingers afterwards. If Anthony had employed these skills, the store detectives would have surrendered immediately and let him take those items and probably hand over a few more bits just to get him out of their office.

Sue Perkins Is Single

The myth that lesbians are like swans in that they never break up (and are picky about the kind of fish they peck) has been debunked again! Comedienne and TV presenter Sue Perkins and her partner of 4 years Kate Williams have closed their legs to each other and ended their love. We should all perhaps form a prayer circle around Clare Balding and Alice Arnold in case gayelle break-ups happen in twos.

Perkins, who recently fronted The Great British Bake Off told DIVA magazine,

I’ve just come out of the biggest relationship of my life, so I’m taking it easy at the moment and being a bit gentle with myself and yeah, that’s sort of it,”.

Hmm….who can we set Sue up with now that she’s single? She needs someone younger, sexier and more feminine. Someone who likes to eat LOTS of tartar sauce. We’re thinking…

These Two Are Now Single

No more spending their weekends hosting “Golden Girls” themed cocktail parties or handjob shimmying down to their Magic Kingdoms – because the gay love affair of our time (but not really) has ended. And it’s all because of a homewrecking SLUT WHORE called….we’re just jokin’,  nobody is involved in the split of WestLOIFE singer Mark Feehily and BF of seven years, Kevin McDaid. Apparently. How boring.

The 31 year-old revealed the split on Twatter, writing:

Sadly, Kevin & I are no longer together. We’ve had an amazin 7 yrs & are both so thankful for the love & support u have shown us from the start.

We won’t be answering any questions about this as its a very private matter. Thanks in advance for understanding that. Lots of love, Mx.” (sic)

Which probably means he was leaning against the bar at Ireland’s biggest gay club, as the Babycham’s numbed his good judgement, and life was beautiful. Until his eyes scanned the dancefloor and caught his man-piece doing “dramatic gay theatrics” (aka, dancing with someone who had a harder quiff than him) and SWITCH!!, before he knew it, Mark was slapping at that bitch Kevin like his name was SuBo after one too many wine gums.

But this time the drama didn’t end up at home with Mark passing out on the living room floor face-down in a chicken royale carton – and there was also no stale cloud of hungover “I’m sorry” regret in the morning and a good make-up poking.

Nope. These two decided that love doesn’t last forever, slipped off their engagement rings and posted ads on Gaydar instead. If you hurry, you might just be the new penis Mark’s looking for:

Dick riding, salad tossing, butt plug wearing, nipple pinchin’ homegirl wantedmust know all the moves to Uptown Girl

Stop! Dolly Time!

This picture of Dolly P gifting us her natural talent and sheer beauty at the H1 Divas Celebrates Soul in New York last night, just proves that dignity is overrated. Take that Helen Mirren!!

Who needs old-lady dignity when you can dress like you just survived a head-on collision with a box of Elvira‘s Christmas decorations and a flock of gay crows who just stole Snookitina‘s weave.


In Boring Couple News: These Two Have Split

Something not worth wasting any of your ”give a fuck” rations on. In fact, you could cum in a banana peel and it would be more newsworthy than this.

These two bores below, Heidi Range and Daaaaave Berry, have called off their engagement, announcing via Twatter that they actually stopped humping bones earlier this year.

This is the point where we’re supposed to write an in-depth analysis of what went wrong. But frankly we’d rather hear about your cumming in a banana peel moments.


The Gentlemanly Hobo

Keanu Reeves, the saddest and loneliest hobo in the land, travelled on public transport earlier this Summer.

Three things:

1. Notice how his face still looks as smooth as a Ken Doll’s crotch.

2. See how he politely offers his seat to a lady carrying a sports bag. She’s obviously never seen a Keanu film and wouldn’t recognise his ass if he was sat on the platform floor with a hat turned upside down, holding out a card saying ‘You’ve probably seen more raw emotion resonating off of a used condom lying on the street, than in my acting. Please give generously so I can take lessons’.

3. Anyone in their right mind would have pretended to be foreign and not understand his offer of a seat, smiled, then sat on his lap fidgeting until your ass cheeks clamped his bulge between them.

Take That Chanel, Chanel!

Kreayshawn (see what she did there), looks like Gaga before she went Gaga, and sounds like Nicki Minaj before a mouse throttled her vocal chords. She’s an American rapper and music video director who was nominated in the ‘Best New Artist’ category at this year’s MTV Video Music Awards (she didn’t win, funny that…anyHO…). She’s also a bit controversial, after being accused of exploiting black culture and using the n-word (cue her publicist standing on a window ledge while lots of people threw shit bombs at their front door). According to the rapper, she’s a ‘bad ass’. Uh huh. We don’t know about you, but we’ve not seen many bad asses wearing Minnie mouse ears.

Check out the vid for Gucci Gucci below which is all kinds of ya get me innit, booyaka shhhhhhhhhhit. All that’s missing is Dappy.

Ho Ho NO

Lady Blah Blah has released “A Very Gaga Holiday,” a four-song EP of tunes recorded live during her ABC special “A Very Gaga Thanksgiving“, featuring a cover version of Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” – complete with bangin’ drums, laser synths and her own twist on the lyrics. Bing will be turning in his grave and the little drummer boy just stopped drumming and poked his ears out with his sticks instead.

All links to the song have currently been removed online (hallelujah), so in the meantime, we suggest Jesus puts a call in to Oprah, because if he can prove to her and Gayle that God is not the father, then Christmas is cancelled forever and this song can be erased from the planet to never be heard from again. Jesus, let us dial that number for you.