In this week’s edition of Tales from the Toilet, chef Anthony Worrall Thompson has farted out some psycho babble to excuse his recent thieving adventure, which involved forgetting to scan a sandwich, three onions and a newspaper at the self-service checkout. He says it’s because he’s been under “incredible stress” recently. We say it’s because he’s a tight-fisted fat arse who couldn’t be bothered to pay and thought he could get away with it. Don’t bring the “I’ve had massive trauma in my life” to the table now Anthony, we’ve all seen your pampered smug-face on Ready Steady Cunt!
The 60-year-old chef revealed to The Daily Express that he had taken small value items from a Tesco store in Henley-on-Thames, Oxfordshire, five times over the course of 16 days.
“Why did I do it? I’ve been asking myself that same question since Friday. I’ve been racking my brains to think why on earth did I do it and what was going through my mind at the time, but I just don’t know.
“There is absolutely no reason, I’m totally at a loss, totally embarrassed, apologetic and gutted for my family and friends.”
Uh huh and BOLLOCKS!!
The man who ate all the pies has simply worked out how to beat those store bitches (aka fun killers) at self-scanning checkouts by using all the tips he learnt from the two glamorous burglars he caught trying to steal £500 worth of Ronnie Corbett’s lawn ornaments. They all live in Henley-Upon-Hasbeens innit.
We say send him on a shoplifters anonymous course, which consists of watching the 90210 episode that tackles Kelly Taylor’s klepto habit. Followed by CCTV footage of Judy Finnigan losing it after her ID was refused to buy economy-sized bottles of gin at Costco; while across town, Richard was nicked for smuggling Champers bottles under his coat at Tesco’s. The moral of their story is, Richard should’ve never trusted a woman who keeps a stolen shopping trolley in her garden.
And in the interest of public service announcements about right and wrong etc, we think it’s important to point out that any good thief worth his swagbag knows the way out of arrest is to break into a routine of “I Touch Myself“, and then sniff his fingers afterwards. If Anthony had employed these skills, the store detectives would have surrendered immediately and let him take those items and probably hand over a few more bits just to get him out of their office.