Archive for The Awful Truth

Xtina Takes Her Weave To The Magic Kingdom

The inside of Xtina‘s head already looks exactly like the Magic Kingdom so when she and Minnie get together for pre-Xmas pap shots, it becomes a vortex of coke snowflakes, glittery fairy weaves and iridescent fart bubbles with tiny kittens and elves twirling around inside. Alvin and the Chipmunks also barf up carols and oranges which explode into sparkly pixie dust for tourists on Main St.

And all this because Xtina wiggles her usually drunken ass into a Spanish secretary’s outfit to spread the festive cheer with Minnie, who was dressed in one of Mimi’s old dresses – the one where you can practically see her mistletoe.

Look how lezzie-tina is cuddling up to Minnie like she’s about to offer her a beard contract or something.

The Face & Body Of Meth, For Playboy

So we all know that the eternal cokey, Lindsay Lohan, recently posed for Playboy in some kind of attempt to redeem (aka destroy) her career, and you’ll recall that Hugh Hefner told The Insider this about that:

It’s a classic tribute inspired by the original Tom Kelly nude pictorial of Marilyn Monroe, a portion of which was the original playmate in the very first issue of Playboy. Oh yes. And classy, very classy.” 

Ok. You see that last part, the “classy, very classy” bit? Firstly, Hugh Hefner can just about remember what flavour of Complan he had for dinner this evening, let alone who Tom Kelly is. Secondly, if we were talking about Michelle Williams in “My Week With Marilyn”, then we’re talking all kinds of classy copy + paste Marilyn. But we’re not. We’re talking Lilo, and no amount of industrial-strength Photoshop is EVER going to make her look classy. Or like Marilyn. Not even with airbrushing out the methtastic freckled roughness that is her face, placing a highly flammable weave on her bonce and wearing a fightin’ shade of lippie on her signature collagen labia lips.

Thank heavens for small mercies though, at least her nooks and crannies had the day off for this cover, which incidentally is called “The Last Nail In My Career Coffin: The One Where I Replaced My Legs With Twiglets”.

Smear your retina’s on Lilo’s ‘A CHEQUE IS A CHEQUE‘ (to pay the rent) pose below, the one I’ve been saving all my exclamation points for.


Kate Lawson – Guest Writer, 

Follow @katelawson_

Oh Daniel *sighs*, You Say All The Right Things!

Look at the Kardashians, they’re worth millions. I don’t think they were that badly off to begin with but now look at them. You see that and you think ‘what, you mean all I have to do is behave like a fucking idiot on television and then you’ll pay me millions.’ I’m not judging it — well, I am obviously.” Daniel Craig (GQ December issue)

What Divorce Rumours?

The string of whispers that came floating out from the lips of Katy Perry‘s evangelical preacher mother (we’re guessing it was her because she has an evil side-eye) about Katy and Russell‘s marriage being as dead as Tulisa‘s fashion sense, were snuffed out when the two did that *we love each other, see? face*, at a charity benefit in LA this weekend.

But we’re still sensing trouble in jeggings paradise. It takes more than a few tubs of candy-floss tinted hair dye, some glue-on smiles, and a permit from the city to remove Katy’s make-up in the morning to fool us. Russell also better tame his frizz if he wants to keep his marriage right.

And we totally love the fact he came dressed as David Essex circa ’83 on the red carpet.

A Body That Scares Us

Let’s file this under: Stuff that we’ve learnt from gawping at the bods of Calvin Klein, Karl of the crypt Lagerfeld and Giorgio Armani in their latter years. Basically it’s a case of we’d do ‘em all if we were incoherent on gin enough, but only if they entertained us with a tap dancing routine in the men’s toilets at Luton airport first.

Hot old pieces of buff man meat to massage your eyes are hard to come by, which is why we give you a roasted piece of Italian goblin instead, aka Roberto Cavalli. This is the designer with Tiger Woods‘ ex-sufferer, Elin Nordegren, after he dragged his arse on to Miami beach (his flabby moobs took an extra hour or so to reach his sun lounger). Unlike Calvin Klein’s faux-old-body, you can see that Roberto hasn’t been sucked, pinched, prodded and stuffed by the hands of a dozen plastic surgeons and morticians. Nope, the old laydee’s ho is still looking like a twiglet the cat spat out in a hairball from the neck down.

If you gargle your eyeballs with holy water, this image should slowly fade after 2-3 hours. We find it’s even quicker if you google a shot of Hugh Jackman shirtless, splash yourself in Old Spice (the smell of a man – a sweaty hairy man) and slowly slide your trousers off.

Emily Is Stepping Up Her Famewhore Game

Emily Scott obviously isn’t bringing in the dough fast enough, hence why her desperate agent kicked her into the jungle with a bunch of hasbeen slebs trying to become relevant again. Look at this bottom of the barrel mess pulling the oldest trick in the famewhore book – getting her tupperware bowls out!

This is the sort of thing that happens when ladytroll’s crawl out of their hobbit holes when someone waves a cheque at them – it’s like she just graduated from the Katie Price School of Jungle Tit Poses.

Isn’t it amazing how having zero shame and even less dignity, can make you the shiniest petal on the famewhore flower that brings all the paps to the yard. Jungle. Back alley where you’re sucking off your next meal ticket. Wherever.


The Face Says It All

Only days ago Jennifer Love Hewitt was trying to bring back the sex again, with come hither tit poses at the Breaking Dawn premiere in L.A.

Now look at her (above) SANS FARDS, with “why can’t I keep a man? I will even give him this frozen yoghurt as a dowry!” face. That’s the same look we all make when we’ve just been dumped or we’ve got the hard shits. It’s sad, lonely and constipated face! Jen is letting the world know that her bowels need some new man lube after Jarod Einsohn cancelled her subscription to his peen. Even the ‘E’ fell of her hoodie because love don’t love her anymore.

Jarod meanwhile is thanking Tiffany‘s for showing him a diamond noose when Jen suggested he pay them a visit to see the rings she’d picked out for her next victim. You know, just so he knew what his other options were.

Kitty’s Camel Hoof. Be Very Afraid

Just like that, an unlikely and worthy challenger has emerged in the Camel Toe Stampede and is ready to snatch away that crown from Jessie J! Start stomping those toes, ladies!

We give you……..KITTY!


We pity the children who probably were in need after her performance at Bluewater for the charity on Saturday. In need of a good eyeball bleaching after being forced to watch her plumped-up flaps clap to the melody of her screeching something by Lady Ha Ha (probably).

Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re off to find a meaty entree to chew on..

Brad Pitt: Now Old and Oooglay

We see Brad Pitt is STILL taking advice from Shiloh on how to part your hair like a nice lesbian (Chaz Bono is advising on the beard), while St. Ange of Pout STILL thinks trashy tattoos and a dress she borrowed from Eva LongWHORIA, look good on the red carpet.

Next Up On Oprah’s Book Club…

…..the Book of BIG TITS. Chapter One, ‘What I’m wondering is, should I tuck my boobs into my pants….’