Cristiano Ronaldo has expressed an interest to shove his extra greasy bronzer stick (aka his peen) inside Cheryl Cole’s no no – well, he wants to take her for a “hot chocolate”. Ruhully?! Isn’t that just a euphemism for wanting to have “sexy time” with her?

It may be impossible to stop your eyeballs rolling at this point, but try anyway.

Cristiano told New magazine “It’s hard to think of a suitable match for the hottest man in the world. I’d like to take Cheryl for a hot chocolate.” Er, let’s just stop RIGHT THERE. “Hottest man in the world”? Can someone please explain the word “ridiculous” to us? Unless it’s just us that doesn’t like waking up next to the complexion of a burnt Walls sausage?

Cristiano also gifted us the knowledge of what he dislikes in a girlfriend (just in case you ever wanted to bump genitals with his burrito and borrow his initialled tweezers in the morning): “Girls who do glamour. Girls who get off their face on alcohol. Girls who are shallow. Girls who dress with their boobs on show all the time and try to be hot.”

Riiiight. So basically every woman in the world then? Anyway, we think the lady doth protest too much – we all know he glosses up his peen so it matches the purdiness of his ass cracks, and his pubic landing strip is as pristine plucked as his brows. BARKING UP AND WRONG TREE SPRING TO MIND.

Besides, Cheryl and Cristiano trying to translate each other would be like two dumb German Shepherds (one covered in grease, the other wearing a jaggy wig and heels) barking shit at one another in the middle of their sniffing butt orgy. Way Aye but Não (that’s Portugese for NO, innit).

Dino Georgiou – Showbiz-i Contributor

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