Don’t try this at home. Obvs. Although the Chinese do.
Archive for September 28, 2011
Guess Who’s Still Trying To Be Like “Brad Who?”
DO YOU SEE ME BRAD, I’M HAPPY, LOOK AT MY FACE, SEE, HAPPY, I CAN LIVE WITHOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That’s what Jen Aniston wants Brad to think if he’s ever able to open his bong-eyes wide enough to focus on his ex-piece with her new piece, Justin Theroux, taken by the photographer with child-scaring eyes, Terry Richardson, from an album entitled “I Still Don’t Miss You Or Think Of You Brad. OK?”.
Considering Terry took these snaps, we’re surprised there aren’t any nipples popping out from behind Jen’s ears, or the pair aren’t locked inside a cupboard with a small person dressed in a bear costume, and no way out? More importantly, where is Terry? A picture is not a Terry Richardson original until Terry appears in it with his subject(s), wearing an half-buttoned plaid shirt, his 70s Columbo murderer-esque glasses and a pair of skanky pants with pictures of small bunnies being massacred on them.
So the next time Terry shoots Jen and her latest rental BF (you just know there will be more), please can we have more nipples. Preferably Jen’s?
Category: Hmm & Things /
Demi & Ashton: Twitter Divorce? #FAIL
Let’s all pray for the dead-horse being flogged that is Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher’s marriage. It’s over basically, innit? It has to be, after the latest revelations that Kutcher’s wandering peen wandered into the vagina of Sara Lean, a 28-year-old homewrecker and star-facker who, according to Radar Online, has already hired a top Hollywood lawyer and gone into hiding; demanding $250,000 to keep her silence.
America’s Star Magazine is clutching at their rosary beads as we type, hoping they don’t have to run their already prepared headline: “Ashton and Demi have separated and the marriage is over”. Oh, that would be the headline they’ve already run then. Er, someone find us some rosary beads to clutch, while we say a prayer to Richard & Judy that Demi & Ashton haven’t separated and can weather this new storm, and have a marriage as strong as the Brit presenter couple. Especially when you just know Judy stumbles around the house boozed-up to her eyelids most nights screaming, “I fucked Fred on his weather map, and he was BETTER THAN YOU, SO DEAL WITH IT YOU LANKY SMUG-FACED TWAT AND GET ME MORE VODKA!”. Poor Richard.
You’ll recall another fameHo called Brittney Jones, the gold-digging bish who stoked the fling-fire with previous rumours that Kutcher sexed her up on his sofa – and she milked that story for all its worth. The actor denied fiddling with her cooch and even threatened to sue over it (he never did though, hmm). We love the fact Brittney was also SO cheap she even listed a jumper Ashton gave her on eBay. That’s shameless right there for you.
The latest alleged encounter of Kutcher’s wandering peen happened on the 12th floor of the Hard Rock Hotel in San Diego, California, in the early hours of Saturday – which also happened to be his and Demi’s sixth wedding anniversary.
The actor and homewrecker Leal had apparently been partying at a club in the city, with one sleb rubber-necker telling gossip cops: “Ashton didn’t look like someone who was celebrating a wedding anniversary.” U.S. website thedirty.com is also claiming that, “Kutcher told Sara Leal that him [sic] and Demi Moore are separated and the public doesn’t know yet.” Kutcher’s bodyguard is also alleged to have taken Leal’s mobile phone before she entered the hotel room.
So while Kutcher and a new beard became friendly, elsewhere his wife was tweeting some deep things you say after too much gin, while singing along (aka moaning) to “Love Don’t Live Here Anymore” by Vadge on repeat. Demi wrote: “When we are offended at any man’s fault, turn to yourself and study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger.”
Eh?
A source close to the pair, who has now made enough money to cover the rent this month thanks to farting out private information to the press, claims: “The relationship ended because of Ashton’s serial cheating. It’s a painful time for Demi.”
We ALL should have known things weren’t quite so OMGamazing, as the pair haven’t really been photographed next to each other in a little while and that’s a red flag right there. Demi obviously wasn’t able to force herself to rub her body of botox and desperation on Ashton’s hot slut stick. This is BAD!! Demi’s ALWAYS been able to put on a brave face for the sake of the paparazzi’s cameras!
Guaranteed Twatter followers going up, up UP right now though for these two! How nice that we can all share this difficult time with them. Hands up who wants to see Bruce Willis bust Ashton’s chops by slapping his enormous peen against them? Oh, and if you start seeing Demi walking around with her hands over her face in public, it’s because she’s rocking the same swollen eyes that Jen Aniston had when Brad said he was leaving her for a woman who forgot how to swallow food (St. Ange of Pout). Demi’s also covering hers because she’s afraid the tear drops of pain might melt her face. Her plastic surgeon is still on holiday hours, so she can’t be too careful.
Category: Hmm & Things /
BABIES!!
It feels like every time we blink, a human baby enters the world to eat our food, drink our water and breathe our oxygen. In fact, we were curious about this and so we Googled it, yeah, it’s a slow news day. Apparently, a baby is born every half a second, or something like that. That means like, lots of babies popped out of vaginas while we were writing these few sentences. We shouldn’t have researched that shit, because now we’re hyperventilating at the thought of gazillions of BABIES crawling the streets, looting the supermarkets for mushed-up carrots and attacking tits for milk in Starbucks. This is the future. We are scared.
In other baby news, Alyssa Milano’s five-week-old baby boy Milo Thomas Bugliari is a tiny wee thing with a slightly-farty-nappy. Probably. He’s also staring at the person taking his photo and thinking, “Are you my Daddy?”. So basically, this is just like every other photo of newborn sleb spawn with farty-nappy. We guess Milano’s selling her baby on the shelves of supermarkets because Twatter’s #failwhale was on duty the night she wanted to share her bundle of farty-nappy with us.
Sidenote: We want his socks.
Category: The Awful Truth /
Kristen Stewart Puffs Awaaaaay
Kristen Stewart and her squint took a break from filming new movie Snow White & The Huntsman in the middle of a field here in the UK yesterday, to go for a fag next to the wheel of a car. Nice. Classy.
Just in case you’re thinking, “Eh, isn’t there another movie about Snow White coming out soon too?”, then yes you’d be right. The other being The Brothers Grimm: Snow White, starring Lily Collins in the lead and Armie Hammer as Prince Charming. Both are to be released within weeks of each other later this year, just to confuse the fuck out of us.
Seeing Kristen puffing away in costume is like the time I saw Snow White and Cinderella hike up their skirts behind a ride in Disneyland when I was 8. The Disney whores!
Category: Hot Mess /
It’s Just RiRi, Out On The Ho-Stroll
To really work this outfit, RiRi’s titties should be hiked up to her nostrils, but we’ll give her 4/10 for the hiked up skirt which allows her labia lips to wave from under her skirt in the wind. You just know you want to reach out and touch her, even without an invitation.
We fully support RiRi’s right to freely dress like a proud slutty-ho whenever and wherever she wants! even though this hot mess of an outfit was just for her new music video “We Found Love”, which incidentally is being filmed in Belfast, where lots of women dress like this on a Saturday night, get off their tits and do karaoke to Johnny Logan’s “Hold Me Now”. Classy bitches.
Some people get a smile in their heart when they see a freshly bloomed flower reaching toward the sun, but we here at showbiz-i get a smile in our hearts when we see a ‘fo real ho’ struttin’ down the stroll in lucitestilts and a double titty souffle spilling out of her latex corset. Yes that’s right, we love people watching on Old Compton Street of an evening. And that image you saw there once, which was like a bunch of wilted petrol station forecourt flowers trying to bloom, was actually Jodie Harsh with his tiny tuck-away and cheap wig trying to blind you his beauty.
Category: We'll be the judge of that /
Easy, Breezy, Beautiful. Hugh Jackmeoff.
We’re winking rightbackatcha you big hunk of handsome!!
Category: Hot Sluts /
Bridesmaids Deleted Scene: It Maka Us Larf
This is how all cuntery fights with words should play out. GOD WE LOVE BRIDESMAIDS!!!!
Category: Hmm & Things /
Kind Of Hot Slut Of The Day
Jessie J always looks like someone on their way to a costume party at a Croatian nightclub dressed as part-Nicki Minaj-part-SwingOutSister’s-lead singer, so we have now named her, Nicki MaSister. Jessie also likes to show off her labia lips in outfits that make us want to say, “I can see your fanny”. Girlfriend, find that emergency exit and fix yourself.
But here she is, sans labia lips for once (well, not that we can see them anyway), in a new shoot for Q magazine, wearing one of Cher’s old headdresses. We would’ve given this picture 10/10 on the sessy Ho-rating, but she loses points for her pose, which looks like she’s either about to fart really loudly, or shit herself.
Category: W is for WTF?! /
Girlfriend Please.
LeAnn Rimes, you have NOTHING to smile about. Look at all THREE of your fans who turned out to meet n greet you outside Radio 1. LOOK AT THEM!!! One has alzheimers and probably thinks you’re an Olsen Twin (they also eat their own hair for breakfast, lunch and dinner). One looks like he’s a brain cell away from having a brain cell – and the other one still can’t work out that you don’t need a zoom lens when the sleb you’re stalking is actually just a foot away from you.
Even the baby has zero interest in meeting a Z-list hasbeen with its dumbass Mother. That’s a “Back the fuck up, bitch” face if we ever saw one.
Category: The Awful Truth /
