Look at Tom Pellereau with some crunchy bases in last night’s Apprentice, in a still that makes us want to do things with biscuits that no human being should ever do with a biscuit. But the hat needs to go.
In fact, if he could just pop on a Girl Scout’s uniform instead and drop by to sell us a few of his homemade treats, we’ll have our ging gang goolies at the ready. *licks picture*
No, REALLY!! SHE DOES!! Look at this shot below from a recent video made for Entertainment Tonight, where Kelly poses with Lourdes and Vadge to try and re-flog the “Material Girl” fashion line.
We’re not sayin’ she looks like Wilbur from Charlotte’s Web wearing a wig or anything, but we think we’ve found Moonpig.com’s new face!
Oh look, it’s Our Lady of Self-Absorption, Gwyneth Paltrow, who can now add jewellery whore to her CV which already includes Oscar-winning actress, GOOP bitch, author, gangsta rapper, country music y’all, mother to kids with weird names, outdoor pizza oven enthusiast, Twatterer and the pride of Britain.
But Vadge and her gristly evil-side eyes still hate her.
Here she is, posing in a Louis Vuitton necklace, earrings and rings, in a nekkid-kind-of-shoot for the latest Vanity Fair magazine (not for you common folk) jewellery supplement. Notice she still has that “Yes I’m pretentious and I’m prayingforyoutobeasperfectasIamoneday” Baccarat crystal facade.
Sometimes you just have to end a post with a good-old fashioned I CAN’T. Because, really I cannot write about Gwyneth anymore. But you know who can? Taylor Swift, because she’s going to snatch that line for her next song – a duet with Gywneth, where the video will be set in some coffee house and everyone will be wearing puffa jackets and eating tofu burgers. Yep, Paltrow is terrorising the magazine world the same way Taylor slimed across country music.
We’re not too sure what crazy-ass-Icelandic-mofo Bjork is trying to achieve (above) with her latest single cover. But she looks like she’s been attacked by the fumes from a poorly ventilated Raquel Welch wig while Vivienne Westwood’s ginge frou frou came to rescue her….and turned to cinders.
But that aside, if you like your music with a bit of drum and bass, then you’ll squirt a little in your two-day old underpants at Bjork’s new track ”Crystalline”, which recently leaked. Hello the ’90s and Goldie‘s gold teef all and over again.
So go and dig out your T-shirts and hoodies with “Jungle Massive” printed on them and all hail the return of looking and sounding like Dappy from N-Dubz, aka, N-Twatz.
Keep on drinking that crazy tea Bjork love!!
Penelope Cruz is either letting out a gigantic fart package, or she’s dropped a copy of her latest L’Oreal contract or she’s spotted a hot gayelle and she’s checking out what’s under her vagina trim.
You decide. But this is where we’ll just type, “Ummmm….SI!”
Ohhhhhh, beat us with a broom, would you look at that, she’s pointing at a star with her name on it!! But why isn’t she wearing plastic vagina mitts to celebrate, aka CROCS?!
Did Rosie Huntingdon-Whiteley‘s neck skedaddle (yes, we’re still stuck in the 80s) from her hotel in New York for the “Transformers” movie premiere, with Sandi Toksvig‘s neck to make a GIANT NECK?!
Rosie looks like Jessica Rabbit with a case of the Inspector Gadget’s. Or maybe Jason Statham‘s been dangling his bacon-wrapped hot dog above her for too long.
Whatever. She looks like a darn transformer!!!
Now that WOULD BE the cum shot of ALL cum shots if ever I’ve seen one. But hold on to your trousers, because this is not RPattz with peen leche on his body, or any other leche for that matter.
This is the actor on the set of his new movie “Cosmopolis” in Toronto, with some kind of pie on his face.
Oh, maybe he does do cum shots after all…
And to celebrate no more house arrest, the Soup Dragons have re-formed (no they haven’t) to perform their famous 90s hit “I’m Free” just for her…
Just days after the 2nd anniversary of Michael Jackson‘s death, former somebody Aaron Carter decided to drop a few fuckery bombs about the time he and Jacko took cocaine and drank wine – when he was a teenager.
In an interview with OK! magazine, the bleached mess reveals he and MJ had a close relationship, and that the singer regularly fed him wine, bad shit, and well….we can make up the rest. Here’s what Aaron had to say (just before he put down a copy of Sarah Ferguson‘s new book on whoring yourself out for dollar/pound signs):
“I never talked about it… This is the first time. I do… I miss Michael… I have spent such incredible times with him. I did things with him that nobody else did… But I was also troubled about what he did to me.” (EH?!?!?!)
“Yes, he gave me wine. I mean, I could have refused, but I was 15.”
“He gave me cocaine. I felt weird about that and other stuff… We spoke afterwards, hours and hours, on the phone. I admired Michael, but his behaviour bothered me a lot. Then my mother called the police…” (SAY WHA?!?!?!?!?!)
We all know Aaron is the male version of Paula Abdul with a medicine cabinet Courtney Love would probably slash you for. But seriously, coming out and saying MJ did inappropriate things with you, like, NOW?! How desperate do you have to be for a career comeback these days?
Let’s all bathe in Holy water to rid ourselves of Aaron’s comments, pat dry with a towel (nice and rough around the nalgas) and then practise those dance steps to “The Way You Make Me Feel” again. Aaaaand moving on…
