Tag Archive for Hollywood

Cher Shows Bitches How It’s Done

October 5, 2011 / ollie / No comments

That dildo in the back of the bottom draw of your office desk (yeah yeah, everyone knows it’s there, why do you think your ergonomic chair is always set to the ‘recline’ position when you come in of a morning?) is more organic than Cher’s face. She may need the help of a puppeteer to move her mouth these days, but that bitch still knows how to tell young whores to run back to their high chairs and sit the hell down!

Here is Cherilyn Sarkisian slapping down those Kardashian tramps via Twatter last night, while watching Dancing With The Stars, which her three sons-in-one Chaz Bono is appearing on, like a little weeble that won’t fall down; alongside Rob Kardashian, the manWhore in Hollywood’s dumbest brood:

“I don’t watch reality ! Never saw a Kardashian but these B*****S should b Drop kicked down a freeway !Not kidding!”

And that is why WE LOVE Cher. The End.

Category: Hmm & Things / Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Mirror Mirror On The Wall, Who Has The Best Mugshot Of Them All?

August 10, 2011 / ollie / No comments

Not SamRo.

Here she is (above) looking like what the cat dragged in, after being arrested and fined for a DUI offence in the US at the beginning of this month. The DJ has now been charged with two misdemeanour counts of driving under the influence of alcohol and having a blood alcohol level of .08 or above. The 34-year-old could now face a maximum of six months banged up in the clink and a further $1,000 fine.

TMZ .com is saying shit to that, claiming that first time sleb offenders always get off lightly with probation. Bless ‘em. Yes, let’s pat all drunk drivers on their silly heads for being in control of a vehicle that could kill an innocent person, just because they had too much sweet nectar. Remember, famouses are not normal like the rest of us. They are delicate souls with far too many drugs in their system, too much money to spend and we are sad for them. *sadface*

Frankly, we blame the spirt of Blohan for all SamRo’s problems, which is etched on the DJ’s wrist in a love-heart tattoo which was inked on when the pair used to bump beards. That mistake is now being removed, with a source telling the New York Post, “Samantha brainstormed ideas for her next tattoo, which will be something on her left hand to cover up the small heart she got in 2008 to match Lindsay’s tattoo”.

Ouch and bye Blohan.

We think SamRo should get life, not just because she’s a mess of a douche who thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to drive with Tequila eyes, but mainly for that SMUGSHOT, that’s the worst crime we’ve ever seen right there.

Category: The Awful Truth / Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Where Were Jen Aniston’s Cats At Her Hand Print Ceremony?

July 8, 2011 / admin / No comments

Jen Aniston left her cats (and vodka) with the baby sitter when she rocked up at a handprinting ceremony outside Grauman’s Chinese Theatre in Hollywood, and fell hands first into some concrete.

And there you were thinking the things she used to stroke John Mayer‘s ego with were being immortalised in stone for services to rom-coms and soft-core hair porn. Nope. She was just stumbling past in a tragic dress that even boyfriend Justin Theroux pointed and laughed at (below). The bastard.

It’s obviously heaven on Aniston’s earth. If you’re Aniston. To the rest of us she looks like a miserable spinster who occasionally sport fucks with men who gel their hair with cooking oil, and whose future looks like an episode of “Help I’m An Animal Hoarder”. Cut to the scene where the crew accidentally walk in on her bedroom and find the male mannequin she keeps with a picture of Brad Pitt sellotaped to its face… in her “wedding room.”

Category: We'll be the judge of that / Tags: , , , , , ,

In Other Words, Joan Rivers Has Pished Armpits

April 12, 2011 / admin / 2 comments

Joan Rivers eardrums retired years ago which is why she can drop F-Bombs while melting under the studio lights on Loose Women and throw bish cocktails at Victoria Beckham followed by a c*nt chaser, because she can’t hear herself. (Dear Santa, when I grow old I want to be exactly the same please)

And at The Night of a Billion Reality Stars event in Hollywood last night (can you imagine the Brit version?! Mario & Lisa, Chloe Madeley, Blind Mikey from BB, HA!), the comedienne spoke to press about how she combats body odour, specifically – wafty pits:

“I always spray my costumes with vodka and water. It’s an old Broadway trick — two-thirds water and one-third vodka, spray your armpits and you’ll never smell again.” 

Waste of vodka much?….Unless you use Iceland‘s own brand which is akin to drinking turps and usually comes with a free bag of chocolate misshapes. So yeah, Joan’s tip is a good’un to stop people leaving cans of Sure deodorant in your handbag when you’re away from your desk. That’s if you also don’t mind Snooki attaching her tongue to your armpit next time she’s in London.

Category: Hmm & Things / Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hollywood Legend Jane Russell Dies at 89

March 1, 2011 / admin / One comment

Jane Russell, one of Hollywood’s last jewels (just Zsa Zsa and Lizzie Taylor to go now) and the buxom star of the 40s and 50s; who was billed above screen icon Marilyn Monroe in the movie “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes,” died yesterday of respiratory failure at her home in California aged 89.

Russell’s other films included “The Paleface,” with Bob Hope, and “Double Dynamite,” with Frank Sinatra and Groucho Marx. But the actress became a Hollywood sex symbol after being discovered and cast by eccentric billionaire Howard Hughes in the sexy and controversial Western “The Outlaw” in 1941. Images for the movie saw Russell provocatively lounging on a bed of straw, in a tight-fitting peasant blouse which almost revealed her ample 38D chichi’s, holding a gun. The photos were deemed so raunch-fest, that they caused government censors to hold up the movie’s release for almost two years before allowing a limited release in 1943 and a general release in 1946. The film turned Russell into an overnight sexpot sensation.

After retiring from films in the 60s, she took on the role of spokesmodel for Playtex bras, appearing in a series of TV ads in the 70s which capitalised on the notoriety of “The Outlaw.” She last walked the red carpet at the Academy Awards in 2010.

Russell’s son Buck Waterfield said in a statement, “Jane Russell passed away peacefully today at home surrounded by her children at her bedside”.

While searching the interweb for quotes about the star’s life, we came across this story about how she once proudly declared that she’s a “mean-spirited, narrow-minded, right-wing Christian bigot.” And on that note, rest in peace, Jane. And thank you for this:

Category: Hmm & Things / Tags: , , , , , , ,

“Hello, is this the man who stops the remakes?”

November 10, 2010 / Sam / No comments

Peter Douglas is remaking the classics of John Frankenheimer and I am rolling in my grave, yet undead.

Never mind that Kirk Douglas’ son is doing this – the rights are from films that Kirk himself starred in or produced with his son financing. Never mind that these are, like the upcoming remake of ‘Oldboy’, classics that, like your grandmother’s perfectly preserved body, needs to be left alone.

The films include ‘Seven Days In May’, ‘Grand Prix’ (OMG the best F1 film ever yet) and my personal favourite ‘Seconds’ which features just the most beautiful Rock Hudson and a wine festival…

Holy crumbs.

Brace yourself for remakes of ‘The Vikings’ and The Final Countdown’. I am now weeping.

Category: Hmm & Things / Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Found Footage makes $$$

November 10, 2010 / Sam / 2 comments

Remember those vids you took with your phone and forgot all about? Well, that’s a new(ish) genre that’s making Hollywood millions with a series of projects in the new – let’s say it all together now – “found footage” category of filmmaking, examples of which you’ve already seen.

Remember ‘Cloverfield’ where a bunch of gorgeous wealthy kids recorded scenes of their wonderful life then recorded a big old monster over it?

No, I don’t remember much about it either, but it was a big hit at the time. (What do we think of her boots in this pic? Hot or shot?) How about ‘Paranormal Activity’ where footage was found that showed what happened after the spooky thing came into the bedroom (or was it always already there?) And how about one of the earliest examples – yep – ‘The Blair Witch Project’ which scared the crap out of us using stick figures and snotty noses? Or go back even further to ‘Cannibal Holocaust’ (1980)? No, maybe better leave that last one out…

(This is actually from ‘Blair Witch 2′ but it looks spookier than shots from the original.)

Now, the glorious Weinstein Company has snapped up ‘Wanted’ director Timur Bekmembetov‘s low budge ‘Apollo’ project for a March release. This film holds that manned Apollo missions didn’t stop with Apollo 17 like folks think.

(Working title: ‘Apollo Ex Vee Eye Aye Eye’)

But SFX specialist Roland Emmerich said bye-bye to his found footage project called ‘The Zone’ even though the outer space/alien low-budget thriller was supposed to start shooting next week. (Stopping something that close to shooting is generally a really bad sign, often indicating there’s a lack of faith in the production from the finance folks. Seems that the low budget of $5m, as opposed to Emmerich’s usual $100m and a release date close to ‘Apollo XVIII’ put a stop to it, but, you know, those are all rumours.)

Now there’s a similar project called ‘Dark Moon’ which is, yes, about a black ops mission to check out classified moon missions. This one’s written by Joe Carnahan‘s former assistant Olatunde Osunsanmi, who wrote the dreadful and dreadfully over-hyped alien schlockfest ‘The Fourth Kind’ which is also a found footage film.

So, what will these found footage films show us? What’s out in space?Aliens? A big black obelisk? Designer knitwear?

Until someone finds the freakin’ footage, we’ll never know.

Category: Hmm & Things / Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Variety-Speak: Film Industry Polari

October 30, 2010 / Sam / No comments

We like Variety. Wha? No, seriously, Variety, the heathen film industry’s Bible since 1905, is very nice. It is also nice because it has its own slang. It likes that it made up new vernacular for Hollywood. As we all know, jargon is good because keeps out the interlopers. Jargon makes everything all mysterious.

Problem is, like Polari, the once-secret language of gay people in the UK, Variety-speak is not such a mystery anymore. If I said to you, “It was boffo at the box office,” you’d know exactly what I was saying. You’d think I was a billion years old and sort of thick, but you’d get it.

Well, Variety, when it isn’t suing bands for using its font, isn’t a wallflower neither when it comes to self-publicity. So, to that end, the mag (that’s ‘magazine’) has pubbed (‘published’) it own dictionary (place where words are) to the cute little word usements it ‘prints’ (puts mark on paper) and splashes around online.

You can find the Variety word list here. But, you know, there are only a few words you won’t get because, like Polari, the world has been Variety-ized already. We don’t really need no stinkin’ dictionary. We talk pretty long time.

Don’t believe me? Take this test:

Polari Words: bijou, butch, camp, cottage, dish, fruit, gelt, glossies.
Variety Words: hype, horse opera, indie, jingle, Kiwi, legit, lens, legs.
Words you don’t understand from those two lists: Zip. Zilch. Keine. Nessun. Niets. Nul. Nil. Zero.

We here at Showbiz-i have our own slang too.

Natch.

This is the dictionary where Variety keeps its ‘special’ words.

Category: Hmm & Things / Tags: , , , , , , ,

Hollywood’s Spinster Films

October 23, 2010 / Sam / One comment

Renee Zellweger won a worthy Oscar for ‘Cold Mountain’ yet her latest film seems a little….off. See the panic in her eyes? This is a still from the (new in America, not so new in the UK) horror bomb ‘Case 39′, a film which had a lot going for it until it all went pear-shaped – and those cheap CGI’d wasps on Bradley Cooper sure didn’t help matters.

As I posted only yesterday, it seemed with films like ‘Case 39′ and ‘I Love You, Phillip Morris’, that American studios were testing their bad/questionable films on the UK. Not just here, of course; they’re also plying other parts of Europe with films that tank in their home country.

Now, Steven Zeitchik, writing in The LA Times, is noticing the same things I’m seeing: what’s going on with films that were made yonks ago yet are only turning up now? As he puts it, we are watching films where, “…the stars look younger than [we]… expected.” ‘Case 39′ was made in the autumn of 2006: four years ago. To give an idea how long ago that was, Obama had not announced his candidacy for president and Facebook was new to public use.

Sacre bleu.

Now, Oscar-winner Zellweger’s career is sloping downwards, while Cooper’s is sloping up, looking at another success with ‘The Hangover: 2′.

So, how do films end up being spinsters – on the shelf with no husband? Human nature, which, in Hollywood terms, means money runs out, execs get canned, art directors disagree with directors who disagree with producers and studios, marketing decisions aren’t made or are made badly. It takes a lot of money to make a film, sure, but really, anyone can. It’s getting that film to a paying audience – that’s the tricky part. It takes a lot of money to get films to the multiplexes, money that studios can’t afford as easily as they did. And nobody wants to release direct-to-DVD on purpose.

So, Renee’s profile could be one reason why ‘Case 39′ didn’t get to the States earlier. For sure, Mel Gibson is the reason that the completed comedy ‘The Beaver’, directed by loyal friend Jodie Foster, is sitting on a shelf somewhere. (Mel also just lost a cameo in ‘The Hangover: 2′ – it wasn’t even a real job.)

There are plenty of other examples of this, but how can you, moviegoer, decide whether this has happened to a film you want to see?

Check the film’s info at the IMDb. If it’s over a year old, be wary. Also, be suspicious if it is an American film that is released elsewhere first; ‘Case 39”s global release dates show it was trotted out first in places like NZ. These two clues don’t guarantee a stinker; a film could be a winner that just got unlucky.

Category: Hmm & Things / Tags: , , , ,

Frodo wants Lilo for biopic

October 9, 2010 / Sam / No comments

Frodo, or Iggy Pop as he’s more commonly known, has definitely shelved plans for a biopic of his life, stating that an extensive personal promo campaign is not his thang.

But the walking advert for the circulatory benefits of chronic heroin use, does however support a “very artistic” documentary helmed by friend and past collaborator Jim Jarmusch.

Pop said of a film based solely on his life: “They can wait for me to be dead.

“If somebody did want to make a biopic of me I think they should get Lindsay Lohan actually. She looks like me and she’s the only one with enough attitude too. They could tape her boobs up or something. She’s been in jail at the right age and everything so I thought she could do it.”

Sorry Frodo, Linsanity’s too well-adjusted to play you, but ole’ crack-face Courtney Love, now there’s an idea.

Category: Hmm & Things / Tags: , , , ,
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